Chapter 11: Taking Up Too Much Space and Time

 

The title is a reference to the Taylor Swift song “Tolerate It”. Yes, I am currently a super Swiftie and unapologetically so. Some of her lyrics hit hard. Like this song in particular – I have felt like I am always taking up too much space and time or how about this doozy -> my love should be celebrated, but you tolerate it. I mean, whoa.

In this chapter’s video, I talked about a moment last week. Go, watch this. It’ll give the backstory and slightly more context to the rest of this post.

When I discussed all of the events of that morning with my therapist, she broke my heart. She told me that these episodes will be happening more and more often on my healing journey. Great.

Well, technically she said this is part of the healing journey. For so long, I was in survival mode. And my brain would not allow me to feel/think about/experience certain things. It was keeping me safe.

But now that I have created a space of healing, peace, and love, my brain will begin to open up and force me to face certain traumas. Things I need to heal from. I should be proud – it is a testament to the peace I have created for myself.

Hopefully these triggering moments will be few and far between. And the goal is to pinpoint what the root cause of the nervous system response is.

I am so proud of myself for the way I handled this one. I reached out for a lifeline, even just a few months ago I would not have done that. I spoke openly and honestly with myself about the moment. I gave myself the space and grace to feel that, look it right in the face, process it, and then move on from it.

One of the things I think I do really well is self-reflection. I probably borderline on being too extreme and hard on myself because of that. But I try to recognize that too.

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This year has been a lot. Life has been a lot.

It is daunting to think about how long this journey is going to be. I know I still have so much sift through. BUT I feel content. Joyful even. I cannot find the proper words to express how I feel – it is a car full of all sorts of emotions – peaceful, happy, joyful, sad, lonely, stressed, nervous, anxious, grateful, and several others. All at the same time. They take turns taking the front seat.

Through it all though, I feel this overwhelming sense of peace. And always have. I am grateful for that peace. I am sure it is what has kept me pushing forward and prevented me from drowning.

Chapter 10: Merry Christmas, Ya Filthy Animals

 

Christmas is fast-approaching. I can not wait! Although I am a Halloween girl for sure, I love Christmas too. With all the decorations, lights, chilly temps, trees, baked goods, parties… how could you not love Christmas time? 

I suppose it was more meh to me when we lived in south Florida, and it was always hot. I mean HOT. Like open the door and get hit in the face by a wall of humidity. Yuck. And that is not fun on Christmas. 

Now that we live in Alabama, we get SEASONS. Actual temperature changes. It’s amazing. 

I love the cold. Cold means sweater weather. Cold means bundling up in coats, boots, maybe even gloves. It means I use the seat and steering wheel warmers more than the AC in the car. It means the stockings have to be taken down because we want a fire crackling in the fireplace – heck, it means having a fireplace to hang the stockings above. 

The countdown to Christmas signifies a few non-negotiables in my house. Christmas movies, Christmas cooking/baking, holiday parties, and that ridiculous elf. 

Elf on the Shelf 

I tried to get away from the elf tradition, but I was unsuccessful. Yes, I realize I could have dug my heels in and refused. But why? What a silly, harmless joy to deprive the kiddos. 

Anyway, the bigs are responsible for the elf. This is their first taste of creating holiday magic. So far, so good. I no longer have to drag myself out of bed in the middle of the night because I forgot to move it. Win win. 

The biggest win is that Remy LOVES it. He is almost 5, so this is pretty much the most magical year for holidays. He loves the lore (we create fantastical stories sometimes to explain certain things). 

I have a feeling Christmas morning is going to be very exciting this year for him. 

Christmas Movies

We are big fans of “movie night”. Essentially, that just means we turn off the lights for a movie screening. Sometimes we throw down a picnic blanket (Remy calls them pinkets) and eat dinner on the floor too. I know, wild and crazy! 

Our must-watch holiday flicks are: 

1. Home Alone
2. National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation
3. Love Actually
4. The Santa Clause 
5. Die Hard

Reagan and I are huge fans of cheesy holiday romance movies too. But those don’t make Riley’s short list. 

Christmas Cookies

We make egg-free sugar cookies each year to leave out for Santa. I will be making a batch next week and freezing them. I will make the buttercream icing on Christmas Eve when we are ready to decorate the cookies. 

I played around with some melting chocolate earlier this month. Melting chocolate and Oreos is a beautiful combo.

 

So, what do you look forward to the most in December?

Chapter 9: Goodbye 2023, Hello 2024

 

As this year is nearing its close, I can’t help but reflect on what a wild one it has been. I know I joked many times that 2023 tried to kill me, but honestly, I have a sense of peace and pride when I look back at the last calendar year.

According to Kelly Clarkson, what doesn’t kill me makes me stronger. And isn’t that the truth?

Goodbye 2023

So yes, I experienced a few of life’s big negative stresses – divorce, job loss, moving. I also can’t ignore these chapters – I stripped myself down and shared my darkest secrets and fears. 

Let’s deal with the easiest one first. The job. It feels odd to even put this on the list, but it was a big moment over the summer. And the timing of it hurt (6 days after my divorce was finalized). After getting over the sting, I picked myself up, dusted off, and got to work building the life I ultimately want and deserve. 

Moving and divorce are intricately intertwined. I moved because of the divorce. The actual move was good… even though earlier that week an anxiety attack sent me to the ER. With time in my new space, I was able to relax. Through all of the self-reflecting, therapy, and researching I have done, I learned that my nervous system was resetting – I had been living in a state of flight, fight, fawn, or freeze for who-knows how long, probably decades. 

This safe, calming space is what has allowed me the ability to dig into my past, evaluate my choices, and create a loving future.  

I do not for one minute regret the decision to get divorced. That is not to say that it wasn’t sad, difficult, nerve-wracking, terrifying. But it was the right one.

Our marriage wasn’t perfect. Obviously. Spoiler: there is no such thing as a perfect one. The smear campaign that was launched has been quite the show (if we are being honest, it launched before I said goodbye). To quote Taylor Swift, Did you think I wouldn’t hear all the things you said about me? 

One of the most important lessons I have learned – probably a trauma survivor spidey sense thing – is to pay attention when people speak badly of other people. Consider the situation… who are they speaking ill of?- is it someone they “love” or don’t like? If they will talk badly of someone they love, they most definitely will stab you in the back one day. 

Remember kids, vents go into other rooms. What you say, can and will get around. 

Long story real short and with very vague details, I am not ready to go into specifics. Suffice it to say, I had to go. Sometimes, that is the right choice. I don’t expect everyone to understand, not everyone has heard my side. 

The final big, emotional stressor for me was opening up to share my story. I was terrified. There was no possible way for me to predict how it was going to be received. And as a friend pointed out a few weeks ago, it is emotionally exhausting to metaphorically strip down and allow everyone to look. 

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Hello 2024

Taking all of this stuff into consideration, I still smile when reflecting on the year. I am SO proud of myself for facing the fears – fear of rejection, fear of the unknown, and more. Those were some of the biggest steps I could ever have taken. Sometimes the ground felt shaky and unsteady, but I just kept going. One step at a time. 

And now, I am confident, happy, at peace, and ready to walk into 2024 with my head held high. What will next year bring? I have no idea.

I do not like resolutions. Just the term. I love the idea of setting goals for the year. Resolutions though are usually broken. Goals, not so much.

I’ve got a handful for 2024 Mindy.

1. Read through the Bible.
2. Walk 4-5 times per week for at least 30 minutes.
3. Read 24 books.
4. Write more.

I am confident these four things will help me grow in the ways that I want.

Are you following along on YouTube or TikTok? You should be.