Chapter 12: Choosing Positivity

 

Apparently there were a few things I needed to get off my chest this week.

Positivity is a choice. I believe that.

When I began sharing publicly these things, I kept wondering why I was able to get through it all… truthfully, I have wondered that many times over the last few decades. Why me? Not why did this happen to me, but why am I still here?

That seems grim. It’s the truth though.

I have never considered suicide. I never fell into utter despair or complete darkness. I always wondered what my purpose was… what was I supposed to do with my life? Why save me? There was always a light – albeit sometimes dim and far away – that I could focus on.

As I have been listening to myself retell these things, as I have been talking with my close friends, family, and therapist, as I have been reading my Bible… maybe positivity saved me. Maybe extending grace saved me. I am not talking about God’s grace – yes, that saved my soul – I mean giving myself grace for not knowing how to process the abuses and rapes. I mean extending grace to the “friend” I speak about in this week’s video. Giving her the benefit of the doubt, forgiving her for something she did not know she did, allowed me to let go of the anger I could have carried forever. It was an unspeakable pain, one that continues to hurt me; however, I harbor no anger there.

Anger has the ability to eat me alive. I know this. I have a healthy amount of fear toward that emotion. Perhaps the keys to releasing anger are grace and forgiveness. Grace and forgiveness feel interchangeable sometimes, don’t they? Grace is a kindness gifted to someone else; forgiveness is letting go of the anger caused by someone else. Grace feels easier for me; forgiveness is a struggle.

So how did I choose positivity in a realistically poopy situation?  I’m thinking it started with grace. I tried never to beat myself up too much because of the actions of someone else. I have reminded myself countless times that I was young, impressionable. I have held onto the peace in knowing that there is something SO much better to come. Recently I have been learning who I am, but all along I was reminding myself whose I am.

I do not say any of this from a place of braggadocious superiority but rather a place of gratitude and awe. This is an everyday battle. Every single day.

Christmas Vacation 2023

 Yeah, yeah.  I know I am behind. But I have been living in the moment. Completely and thoroughly going with the flow, not forcing any specific emotions, activities, tasks. It’s been fabulous.

As I mentioned in one of my Untitled chapters, I had Christmas this year with the kiddos. I had no idea how I was going to feel this year, if I was going to really notice. Let’s be real, I was the Christmas magic maker, so that was nothing out of the ordinary. Also, my ex-husband was a police officer for many years, and there were years that he worked on December 25. And finally, I have made countless trips to my parents’ house with just the kids. I was genuinely wondering how this first divorced Christmas would feel.

So, anyway. We drove over to North Carolina on the 23rd. We were blessed with amazing traffic! I am so grateful for that. You never know what to expect driving through both Chattanooga and Knoxville, especially the Saturday before Christmas.

We met up with my family at this local pizza joint my mom and dad found. Maddie Moe’s. SO good. It’s in Butler, TN on the Watagua River. Steph, Reagan, and I split a jalapeno popper pizza. I am still dreaming about it. They closed for the week between Christmas and New Years, otherwise we would have eaten there at least once more.

This was the first time that Remy and my nephew have seen each other in a while. And although we send videos back and forth, Remy had always had it in his mind that Eli was still a baby. I kept telling him this was not true, but he would not believe me.

The moment we walked in, Eli said “Remy, I have a truck for you.” Then he handed Remy a yellow toy truck, similar to the yellow car he had. They instantly bonded and raced cars all through lunch. They were best friends for the remainder of the trip. Eli was probably only topped by Unker Scratch (Zach’s new moniker) in coolness.

---

Christmas 2023

I spent a large chunk of Christmas Eve wrapping presents while the kids played and hung out. I have found it is a lot easier to pack and travel with the gifts when they are unwrapped. I had them all tucked away in a solid Rubbermaid container. Each kid received a fairly large gift from Santa this year, so Santa actually left those at my house. And the monsters were surprised with another round of mini-Christmas when we returned home.

The most important task on Christmas Eve is decorating Santa’s cookies. Before we drove to NC, I whipped up a batch of our egg-free sugar cookies. At mom’s, I made the buttercream icing. We kept it simple this year… just white buttercream, with sprinkles and M&M’s. Santa wasn’t disappointed. He loved them.

Reagan and Riley wanted record players this year. I can’t believe I am that old. But I digress. Santa delivered… turtnables? 

Riley’s turtnable (which is of course what we will forever call them) didn’t work. Something wrong with the speakers. So I swapped it out for a different version.

Basically, Christmas was wonderful. And it snowed the day after we left – that seems to happen every single time. We will be heading back to the mountains next month to play in the snow!